Showing posts with label terrified. Show all posts
Showing posts with label terrified. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Who knew...
that your child could be so ungrateful for everything you had given her over the years. Forget about the cars I bought for you. Forget about the 5 thou I gave you to leave him. Forget about the 20+ thou that you took. Your mother is now homeless. HOMELESS. A game on tv is more important than that? Your nightly visits to the bar are more important than that? More important than my mental health? Did your extensive medical training include anything about depressive disorders? I guess not
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Okay, I get it....
I have no excuse. I didn't have a bad childhood, I was never molested, I don't have a drug or alcohol problem. I'm fine? NOT! If you are deemed mentally ill because of one or more of these issues, they can handle that, they have treatments for that. However if you can't pinpoint a reason for your "problem", then you're not sick? I know how I feel. I am trying to tell you how I feel and you are understaffed, underpaid, overwhelmed with your own problems? Fine, then be prepared to sweep up the pieces when they fall.
Godammit, I need some help here. I don't know why I can't get out of bed. I don't know why I cry all the time. I don't know why I am not hungry and when I do eat every thing tastes like paper. I don't know why I want to die but at least I am trying to get some help so why don't you help me? When I tell you I am not taking my meds, you say "oh, you should take them". Yeah, that will help me remember. I can't even remember what day it is. I wake up and I can't tell if it's 7am or 7pm. I feel like my brain is turning inside out and morphing into something like oatmeal.
I feel like anything that ever made me happy has been taken away from me. I want it back
Godammit, I need some help here. I don't know why I can't get out of bed. I don't know why I cry all the time. I don't know why I am not hungry and when I do eat every thing tastes like paper. I don't know why I want to die but at least I am trying to get some help so why don't you help me? When I tell you I am not taking my meds, you say "oh, you should take them". Yeah, that will help me remember. I can't even remember what day it is. I wake up and I can't tell if it's 7am or 7pm. I feel like my brain is turning inside out and morphing into something like oatmeal.
I feel like anything that ever made me happy has been taken away from me. I want it back
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Why am I not....
surprised. Once again my "family" has screwed me over and twice on Sunday. Never trust anyone after a cult gets a hold of their brain. Shit IS fucked up and bullshit! There is a atmosphere in this country that has infected the majority of people/sheeple to believe that it is more important to take care of "number 1" before you do anything else. What happened to "love thy neighbor"? What happened to "family first"? You wonder why I am depressed? Watch this video or this one, or this one, or even this one. There are a lot more out there too. The story of Monsanto will make you lose your lunch. Just when we should be holding on to each other and helping our fellow human beings and this planet, that is precisely when we lose our shit and fuck it up even more. I HAVE HAD IT up to HERE!!
Does this look like Disneyland to you?? Well this is what we are facing in this country. Would you please just WAKE THE FUCK UP!! WAKE UP!
It just might be time to occupy the farm.
Does this look like Disneyland to you?? Well this is what we are facing in this country. Would you please just WAKE THE FUCK UP!! WAKE UP!
It just might be time to occupy the farm.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Shall we Dance?
this story in the NY Times illustrates once again why we Occupy.
I arrived at Zuccotti Park yesterday about 3:30pm to help celebrate the return of the Guitarmy after their 99 mile march to benefit school music programs and honor the great singer/songwriter, Woody Guthrie. I admit I have been absent from the movement much of the spring and early summer due to some personal problems. My latest doctor said last week, I need to get out more, Mr. Spock (in a facebook meme) told me the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few or the one and I really missed the musicality of the park so with a trifecta like that, I had to go. As I had done in the past, I loaded up my shopping cart with knitting and my folding lawn chair (the one I have had since I was a chaperone at my kids band camp 20 yrs ago).
There I sat, all afternoon and into the evening knitting, and under the watchful eyes of Brookfield Properties and the NYPD. After it got dark I heard some people start to get wary about the sudden increase in numbers of officers around the park. This has been a tactic of the department for a long time, use the darkness to cover up anything they might do that is illegal. In the amount of time that it takes to take a single breath, I was surrounded by many men in white shirts, BP security and NYPD alike. I was asked to leave. I inquired about being shown the rules, in writing, while I put away my knitting, stood up, folded my chair and put in on my shopping cart. I was trying to comply (clearly shown in this video) with their "request" to exit the park (hampered by my bad night vision with all the flashbulbs) when an officer grabbed my cart and tried to take it from me. I said, that's private property. That was when I felt a leather gloved (now known to be Lombardo) hand grab my wrist and I panicked.
I think some deeply hidden childhood training must have taken over my body because I did a "duck and cover" maneuver. I also heard myself screaming, but couldn't see what was going on because I couldn't open my eyes due to the panic attack. Fortunately there are many in the OWS family that film the police. I became aware of the voice of an angel (OWS medic and angel) telling me that it will be okay. She helped me to the other side of the street and stayed with me until I stopped shaking. Many more of my fellow human beings came over to offer water and comfort.
Here is where things in my head get confused. I was brought up to ask "Police Officers" for help if I was distressed. They were supposed to be the knights in shining armor that come to your rescue when you are in trouble. THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE CAUSE OF THE TROUBLE. I was doing nothing wrong or even illegal. I was even trying to comply with their commands even though there was no legal basis for them to ask me to leave that public park. You must be asking yourself why did they feel the need to do this? Surely the woman must have done something. Now I don't want to get all "conspiracy theory" on you but, the thoughts of some of my fellow occupiers was that they were trying to incite violence by attacking "the knitter" (my handle in the park). They have been filming us as well and I'm sure they want the same kind of evidence that we have against them. They didn't get it last night. They did however get my knitting which was not returned to me. I never intended on becoming an icon of the movement but I guess that is what happens when you show up peacefully knitting things everyday that you give away to people.
I arrived at Zuccotti Park yesterday about 3:30pm to help celebrate the return of the Guitarmy after their 99 mile march to benefit school music programs and honor the great singer/songwriter, Woody Guthrie. I admit I have been absent from the movement much of the spring and early summer due to some personal problems. My latest doctor said last week, I need to get out more, Mr. Spock (in a facebook meme) told me the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few or the one and I really missed the musicality of the park so with a trifecta like that, I had to go. As I had done in the past, I loaded up my shopping cart with knitting and my folding lawn chair (the one I have had since I was a chaperone at my kids band camp 20 yrs ago).
There I sat, all afternoon and into the evening knitting, and under the watchful eyes of Brookfield Properties and the NYPD. After it got dark I heard some people start to get wary about the sudden increase in numbers of officers around the park. This has been a tactic of the department for a long time, use the darkness to cover up anything they might do that is illegal. In the amount of time that it takes to take a single breath, I was surrounded by many men in white shirts, BP security and NYPD alike. I was asked to leave. I inquired about being shown the rules, in writing, while I put away my knitting, stood up, folded my chair and put in on my shopping cart. I was trying to comply (clearly shown in this video) with their "request" to exit the park (hampered by my bad night vision with all the flashbulbs) when an officer grabbed my cart and tried to take it from me. I said, that's private property. That was when I felt a leather gloved (now known to be Lombardo) hand grab my wrist and I panicked.
I think some deeply hidden childhood training must have taken over my body because I did a "duck and cover" maneuver. I also heard myself screaming, but couldn't see what was going on because I couldn't open my eyes due to the panic attack. Fortunately there are many in the OWS family that film the police. I became aware of the voice of an angel (OWS medic and angel) telling me that it will be okay. She helped me to the other side of the street and stayed with me until I stopped shaking. Many more of my fellow human beings came over to offer water and comfort.
Here is where things in my head get confused. I was brought up to ask "Police Officers" for help if I was distressed. They were supposed to be the knights in shining armor that come to your rescue when you are in trouble. THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE CAUSE OF THE TROUBLE. I was doing nothing wrong or even illegal. I was even trying to comply with their commands even though there was no legal basis for them to ask me to leave that public park. You must be asking yourself why did they feel the need to do this? Surely the woman must have done something. Now I don't want to get all "conspiracy theory" on you but, the thoughts of some of my fellow occupiers was that they were trying to incite violence by attacking "the knitter" (my handle in the park). They have been filming us as well and I'm sure they want the same kind of evidence that we have against them. They didn't get it last night. They did however get my knitting which was not returned to me. I never intended on becoming an icon of the movement but I guess that is what happens when you show up peacefully knitting things everyday that you give away to people.
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