Sunday, August 5, 2012

Poetry time

Her gaze strode out the kitchen window and landed on the tawny brown deer in the back yard
Brown like the dining room set, brown like her coffin, like mine
This time the flowers are purple
Purple is my favorite color
But you knew that, or did you?

Her gaze left the kitchen window many more times than mine ever will
She tried to change the world, she did
I tried, I failed
But you knew that, or did you?

So many ways alike, so different
So many mourners, so few
So many successes, so many failures
But you knew that, or did you?

This time the flowers will be purple

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I expected much...

more from you, yes you.  I understand telling some homeless street person "sorry, I just don't have any money for you".  I understand telling some charity "sorry, We just don't have any extra money for you this year".  I don't understand why you think I want your money.  I didn't ask for it.  Yet when you were asked if you could help a family member, the first thought out of your mouth was "I don't have any money to give".  What about your time?  What about your home?  What about some food or clothing?  What about your LOVE?  Aren't those things that you could give too?  You wonder why I don't call?  Why should I when I don't get any support, respect or consideration from you.  The words " I love you" are so hollow when they are not backed up by actions. 

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Okay, I get it....

I have no excuse.  I didn't have a bad childhood, I was never molested, I don't have a drug or alcohol problem.  I'm fine?  NOT!  If you are deemed mentally ill because of one or more of these issues, they can handle that, they have treatments for that.  However if you can't pinpoint a reason for your "problem", then you're not sick?  I know how I feel.  I am trying to tell you how I feel and you are understaffed, underpaid, overwhelmed with your own problems?  Fine, then be prepared to sweep up the pieces when they fall. 

Godammit, I need some help here.  I don't know why I can't get out of bed.  I don't know why I cry all the time.  I don't know why I am not hungry and when I do eat every thing tastes like paper.  I don't know why I want to die but at least I am trying to get some help so why don't you help me?  When I tell you I am not taking my meds, you say "oh, you should take them".  Yeah, that will help me remember.  I can't even remember what day it is.  I wake up and I can't tell if it's 7am or 7pm.  I feel like my brain is turning inside out and morphing into something like oatmeal. 

I feel like anything that ever made me happy has been taken away from me.  I want it back