Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Writing this is one of the hardest thing I have ever done

To whom it may concern,

  I know that I have always put on a happy face and I say that everything is fine.  Guess what, it isn't.  I have been made to feel that when I had money, I was useful and now that I don't, I am not.  I always worked hard, lived frugally and I gave generously.  I have never been one to covet the latest gadgets or fashions.  The fact that I feel like I have been thrown aside may surprise some people but that is why I am writing this post.  I have looked for work but now I have given up on that.  I thought I had a lifemate but now I know that was all a lie as well. I am truly alone.

  Maybe I have too much pride, or maybe I am just to ashamed  to ask for help.  I know that if I don't tell anyone that I need something then I can't expect to get it.  You can't read my mind but you could open your eyes. 

  Here is what I can't put into words on the phone or in person.  I will use the written form to say what I can't say to your face.  I need help.  Plain and simple as that.  I am depressed and I find it hard to get out of bed everyday.  I am crying just trying to type this.  I won't be able to pay my rent next month.  I have trouble eating because 75% of my teeth are gone and I have one tooth that is infected and oozing green puss.  It has been like that for months and I had heard that such an infection can get in your blood stream and kill you. I have been waiting to die.  This seems like a better way than walking in front of a bus.  Since that has not happened I am starting to think maybe I am supposed to be here for a while longer for some reason even though I don't know what that is.

"You should apply for state/federal aid".  Yes, I know and everyday when I get dressed and think about going out and facing that bureaucratic staredown I go back to bed.  I just don't have the energy to try.

"What about your family?"  My family doesn't understand the depth of my depression.  All they saw was the physical mess in the house and not the mental/emotional mess I (I am a good actor and I do most of my crying in private) had become and they threw me out.  When they do reach out to me it feels like a hollow chore they must perform to make themselves feel better or a scolding about how I don't keep in touch.  Somewhere in the back corner of my brain I know they love me.  I just can't feel it right now.

Over the last three months I found something to do that did make me feel a bit better.  Knitting for Occupy Wall Street.  I felt I was making a contribution.  I met some nice people that seemed to like me.  I learned a lot about my country that surprised me and made me want to help change things.  The problem is, that until I get better, I don't think I can do much to help.  A 'cause' can't cure me.

Words hurt.  Actions even more.  I'm glad that you have a ...game/toy/coat/shoes/hairdo/house/job/car/vacation/dinner/dog/high score/opinion... but right now I just don't care.  Seeing all those things posted on facebook and twitter are just a slap in the face to me right now. 

I didn't write this to get attention.  I just needed to say things that were in my head the only way I knew how to get them out.  I suppose it should make me feel better.  I will wait and see.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

why bother

I mean really, why bother when you only get a call when someone wants something from you. If they get it, fine, buh bye.  If they don't get it, buh bye too.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Occupy Wall St.

Oh boy has it been hard these last few days down at Liberty Park (aka Zuccoti park).  I have been discouraged but today so many people came up to us and thanked us for being there.  It is good to hear but even better than that was the number of people that are coming back to be there and participate.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Robotic lobotomised stormtroopers are not human

Friday, November 11, 2011

Overheard at the OccupyWallStNYC kitchen last night, while lady is serving yet another spoonful of orange sludge, "would you like some roadkill?"

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

what a great day

I got down to Occupy Wall St. this morning a little early.  What a beautiful day it was.  It really warms my heart to see the good in humans.  Two mothers and three little girls walked by where I was knitting and the little girls were just facinated by what we were doing.  One of the girls noticed my donation can and asked her mother if she could put some money in it.  All three put a bill through the slot in the lid and they just glowed with pride, it was so sweet. 

There are some really good people in this world and in NYC, they are starting to outnumber the bad.  Yee haw! for humanity!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Well, I am ready to start another week knitting for Occupy Wall Street.  People have been so generous with yarn donations and monetary donations that I will be going to smileys yarns this morning to buy some more yarn.  I have also been able to give other knitters yarn to use to make garments for the occupants to help them keep warm.  Day 39, here I come

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Well hit me in the face with a humble pie, yummy.  I guess I needed to get put down a peg or two.  Eight people in line to talk to Micheal Moore and seven get their turn, who turns out to be number eight?  Little ole me.  It's all good.  I had a good day at Liberty Plaza today.  finished a scarf and started leg warmers.  Hope the rain isn't too bad tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

long hard day today doing OWS business, very tired, need to blog tomorrow

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

#ows, occupy wall street

Near the end of day 12 I encountered my first police officer harrasment.  I was standing, by myself, near the big red cube sculpture waiting for a working group I joined on Sunday.  Many had held meetings in this area because it was a quiet space and the noise in the park sometimes made it hard to hear others in your group.  He approached me and said I couldn't be there.  I tried to ask him a question about possibly staying there long enough to redirect people to another meeting spot and he just kept interupting me saying I needed to leave.  The situation kept changing as people arrived for our meeting and at one point he said stay.  Within 10 minutes of our group finally getting together, about 8 officers and 3 white shirts showed up.  At this point I just walked away, confrontation tends to make me nauseous so I fled leaving the others to deal with them.  I wish I had the guts (literally) to stay and defend the rights of the people to assemble but there was a lawyer there so I think it was handled. 

I believe that this is just another example of how "they" are trying to discourage the movement.  For the last 2 nights in a row, a construction crew has been using a jack hammer during our GA.  It feels like it is very calculated.  We have to stay strong and stand tall in these times until EVERYONE wakes up.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Finished day 10 at Occupy Wall Street and I am tired and somewhat frustrated. Lots of college age people there yesterday and today, some serious about the cause and some there to party. I know I don't live in a perfect world but I wish it was better some days. Some days you just have to walk away and start fresh tomorrow

Thursday, August 11, 2011

emotional revelations, it's a good thing

Thursday, July 28, 2011

news?

Listening to NPR this morning really made me mad. They were talking about how it is illegal in France to ask a persons race for statistical purposes. They are looking to the USA as an example of how to document percentages of different races in the country. Why would you look to a racist society on how to deal with race relations. I want that law implemented here so people can be just people instead of white people or black people or yellow people or brown people. WE ARE HUMAN, people get that into your heads please.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

hope

Had a very successful (I hope) interview on Friday, tonite I go to "the Cattle Call" at therapy, fingers crossed.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Just the way I see it

I was watching PBS and the kids on the show were afraid if they said "Mom, Dad, I am gay" that they would be kicked out of the house. I said, "Family, I am a hoarder and mentally ill" Guess what, they kicked me out of the house. I had finally gotten up enough strength to ask for help and I was told, too late, so sad, too bad, GET OUT!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

starting the book tomorrow

Friday, April 29, 2011

So wrong, what more can I say

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I wish it wasn't raining today, would love to go out and take a long walk. I didn't realize just how out of shape I was in until I started walking again. I need a lot of working out. It just isn't the same as it was 15 years ago, much harder to get it going at this age but once I start it I hope it will get better.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

so here I sit all broken hearted.... Why do people think that they can do whatever they want and there will be no consequences for someone else. Or do you even think about what you do. I really don't think you do because if you did you would not do what you did. That sounds like I am rambling doesn't it? Well, maybe rambling is what it takes

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Because you are "family" you get to screw me????

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I am very dissapointed in the Supreme court today

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Oh how I hate this weather, on again off again headache for 4 days now

Friday, February 18, 2011

And so it begins, I am knitting a sweater for my Focus

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

slowly pulling out of my winter blues...knitted/finished 2 projects today...pictures taken...tomorrow ad to shops online...progress

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Thursday, January 6, 2011

New Year, new goals, new worries