What a lovely ride.....

....I had in an ambulance this afternoon.  I went to the appointment downtown to be evaluated for disability and had a pretty good melt down.  All I have wanted, since that first appointment in January, was for someone to listen to me.  NO!  To HEAR me.  Well, the doctor heard me loud and clear today.  I just couldn't handle anymore.  I have talked to countless people on the phone and in offices until I was blue in the face.  I had let that infected tooth go for so long and I stopped talking my bp and sugar meds.  What more do you want me to do so you see I don't want to be here like this anymore???  Ya wanna see blood?  Ya wanna see broken bones?  What is the difference??  I am a woman brought up in the subservient sixties.  The one the doctor pats on the head when you get stitches and calls you a brave little girl for not crying.  Well now I am crying and crying hard so why did it take more than six months (here in NYC, a lot longer if you count MI too) to get some help when I did finally ask.  I know it is almost 5pm and your lovely wifey probably has dinner waiting, or reservations and you have a timetable, but it is really disrespectful to talk to so fast and keep interrupting me when I am trying to tell you why I am here in your locked up psych ward.  The cloud of dust you left as you handed me off was visible.  Way to make someone feel good. 

When you see...

...a doctor, aren't you supposed to feel better when you leave than when you got there.  I saw the "psychiatrist" on Tuesday and you would think that as I left the office, I would finally have some hope of getting the help I have been seeking for over 6 weeks.  Instead, once again, I felt the sting of humiliation and despair.  "you won't get the emergency assistance and you will be homeless, you better face up to that, and I really don't think you qualify for disability either"  My interpretation...  Why don't you get off your fat lazy ass and get a job you loser.  Oh yeah, and no meds either.  Just go home and cry some more, who cares.  I don't ask for help until I really need it and then to not get it is just......................

On one hand...

... it was a good thing to go to the appointment.  I was evaluated and found disturbed enough to warrant 2 more appointments.  One for introduction to a group therapy leader and the other one for the actual psychiatrist, the one with the drugs.  On the other hand, I was reminded of how far I have fallen into the pit.  I'm thinking now would not be a good time to re-read "the Bell Jar".

And the phone.....

finally rings.  I have an appointment for May 31st.  Well that is better than August isn't it?  I guess I just have to hold out for 2 weeks.  I can do that standing on my head, or lying in bed which is what I have been doing for the last 2 weeks anyway.  It takes a lot longer than that for any passive suicidalism to take effect so I hope y'all will stop worrying about me at least for now.  I do appreciate my fam and friends who have shown concern even if I don't answer back when you post.  I don't have internet everyday so I tend to procrastinate responses in favor of virtual farms that need my attention, so goes my disease.

I'm thinking about turning in my membership card

I'm tired.

Depression, what is it?

As defined by the US Library of Medicine...

"Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods."

"True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer."

Doctors can be quick to prescribe and that can be a problem. I don't think some of the people in my life understand the difference between those 2 definitions above. If you did you would not blame me so much.

That is all I am going to say

and now I am going to say this...brain cloudy, eyes red, nose stuffy, why do I let people get to me