Apologies to my blog

for ignoring you for so long.  I guess you could say I have been busy.  Now for a few thoughts on the "Right to Work" crap-o-runeyliciousness that is going on in my home state of Michigan.

I understand the reasons "you" might want to take advantage of a system that has been fighting for your rights to a safe and fair work environment for decades.  Wages are at an alarming low right now and you want to save money.  Imagine where the American worker would be right now if there were no such things as Unions.  Do you really think that you would be better off with a coupla dollars in your pocket every week?  I am not saying that Unions are perfect, they are not. They are run by humans and we are not perfect but I would rather have someone to stand up for me to the "boss" than not and I am willing to pay for that.  And the only reason I even need to pay for that is apparent it you look at the corporate profits vs the standard of living that the "middle class" is experiencing right now.  good luck with that

Who knew...

that your child could be so ungrateful for everything you had given her over the years.  Forget about the cars I bought for you.  Forget about the 5 thou I gave you to leave him.  Forget about the 20+ thou that you took.  Your mother is now homeless.  HOMELESS.  A game on tv is more important than that?  Your nightly visits to the bar are more important than that?  More important than my mental health?  Did your extensive medical training include anything about depressive disorders?  I guess not

Poetry time

Her gaze strode out the kitchen window and landed on the tawny brown deer in the back yard
Brown like the dining room set, brown like her coffin, like mine
This time the flowers are purple
Purple is my favorite color
But you knew that, or did you?

Her gaze left the kitchen window many more times than mine ever will
She tried to change the world, she did
I tried, I failed
But you knew that, or did you?

So many ways alike, so different
So many mourners, so few
So many successes, so many failures
But you knew that, or did you?

This time the flowers will be purple

I expected much...

more from you, yes you.  I understand telling some homeless street person "sorry, I just don't have any money for you".  I understand telling some charity "sorry, We just don't have any extra money for you this year".  I don't understand why you think I want your money.  I didn't ask for it.  Yet when you were asked if you could help a family member, the first thought out of your mouth was "I don't have any money to give".  What about your time?  What about your home?  What about some food or clothing?  What about your LOVE?  Aren't those things that you could give too?  You wonder why I don't call?  Why should I when I don't get any support, respect or consideration from you.  The words " I love you" are so hollow when they are not backed up by actions. 

Okay, I get it....

I have no excuse.  I didn't have a bad childhood, I was never molested, I don't have a drug or alcohol problem.  I'm fine?  NOT!  If you are deemed mentally ill because of one or more of these issues, they can handle that, they have treatments for that.  However if you can't pinpoint a reason for your "problem", then you're not sick?  I know how I feel.  I am trying to tell you how I feel and you are understaffed, underpaid, overwhelmed with your own problems?  Fine, then be prepared to sweep up the pieces when they fall. 

Godammit, I need some help here.  I don't know why I can't get out of bed.  I don't know why I cry all the time.  I don't know why I am not hungry and when I do eat every thing tastes like paper.  I don't know why I want to die but at least I am trying to get some help so why don't you help me?  When I tell you I am not taking my meds, you say "oh, you should take them".  Yeah, that will help me remember.  I can't even remember what day it is.  I wake up and I can't tell if it's 7am or 7pm.  I feel like my brain is turning inside out and morphing into something like oatmeal. 

I feel like anything that ever made me happy has been taken away from me.  I want it back

Why am I not....

surprised.  Once again my "family" has screwed me over and twice on Sunday.  Never trust anyone after a cult gets a hold of their brain.  Shit IS fucked up and bullshit!  There is a atmosphere in this country that has infected the majority of people/sheeple to believe that it is more important to take care of "number 1" before you do anything else.  What happened to "love thy neighbor"?  What happened to "family first"? You wonder why I am depressed?  Watch this video or this one, or this one, or even this one.  There are a lot more out there too.  The story of Monsanto will make you lose your lunch.  Just when we should be holding on to each other and helping our fellow human beings and this planet, that is precisely when we lose our shit and fuck it up even more. I HAVE HAD IT up to HERE!!

Does this look like Disneyland to you??  Well this is what we are facing in this country.  Would you please just WAKE THE FUCK UP!!  WAKE UP!

It just might be time to occupy the farm.

My Robin Hood...

...will not "rob" from the rich.  My Robin Hood would make sure we are not robbed either.  I don't require a huge redistribution of wealth.  I know that a lot of Occupy Wall Street folk are focused on the extensive gap between the wealthiest and poorest in this nation.  I am constantly seeing statistics about "they" have this and "we" have not.  I'm not against statistics but when all you do is publish them, without a corresponding solution, then they fall flat.

  All I want is, what would be considered by (IMO) the majority of people, what is fair.  Right now the minimum wage is not fair.  The average income for the "middle class" is lower now than in 1968.  Too many people can't "get by"* without a second job.  After working for over 40 years and paying into the SSI system, I should not have to worry about it not being there.

My Robin Hood would make infrastructure and the ensuing jobs a top priority.  My Robin Hood would mandate a "living wage" for our essential people like teachers, nurses and other service people that take care of us and our children.  My Robin Hood would focus on sustainable industries like wind and solar power.  My Robin Hood would have a heart and end the wars and safe guard our food.

I don't think I am asking for anything out of this world or unreasonable.  I don't think most of the people I know are either.  "We" don't want handouts, we want a helping hand to get back up on our feet.

I want a Robin Hood to vote for.    Could that be the Green Party?  I can only hope that my Robin Hood  is out there somewhere.

*get by is being able to pay for an affordable home, car and food without a struggle, being able to put a little away for a rainy day and not living from paycheck to paycheck.  This does not include luxury items, just being comfortable and having "enough".

Shall we Dance?

this story in the NY Times illustrates once again why we Occupy.

  I arrived at Zuccotti Park yesterday about 3:30pm to help celebrate the return of the Guitarmy after their 99 mile march to benefit school music programs and honor the great singer/songwriter, Woody Guthrie.  I admit I have been absent from the movement much of the spring and early summer due to some personal problems.  My latest doctor said last week, I need to get out more, Mr. Spock (in a facebook meme) told me the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few or the one and I really missed the musicality of the park so with a trifecta like that, I had to go.  As I had done in the past, I loaded up my shopping cart with knitting and my folding lawn chair (the one I have had since I was a chaperone at my kids band camp 20 yrs ago).

  There I sat, all afternoon and into the evening knitting, and under the watchful eyes of Brookfield Properties and the NYPD.  After it got dark I heard some people start to get wary about the sudden increase in numbers of officers around the park.  This has been a tactic of the department for a long time, use the darkness to cover up anything they might do that is illegal.  In the amount of time that it takes to take a single breath, I was surrounded by many men in white shirts, BP security and NYPD alike.  I was asked to leave.  I inquired about being shown the rules, in writing, while I put away my knitting, stood up, folded my chair and put in on my shopping cart.  I was trying to comply (clearly shown in this video) with their "request" to exit the park (hampered by my bad night vision with all the flashbulbs) when an officer grabbed my cart and tried to take it from me.  I said, that's private property.  That was when I felt a leather gloved (now known to be Lombardo) hand grab my wrist and I panicked.

  I think some deeply hidden childhood training must have taken over my body because I did a "duck and cover" maneuver.  I also heard myself screaming, but couldn't see what was going on because I couldn't open my eyes due to the panic attack.  Fortunately there are many in the OWS family that film the police.  I became aware of the voice of an angel (OWS medic and angel) telling me that it will be okay.  She helped me to the other side of the street and stayed with me until I stopped shaking.  Many more of my fellow human beings came over to offer water and comfort.

 Here is where things in my head get confused.  I was brought up to ask "Police Officers" for help if I was distressed.  They were supposed to be the knights in shining armor that come to your rescue when you are in trouble.  THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE CAUSE OF THE TROUBLE.  I was doing nothing wrong or even illegal.  I was even trying to comply with their commands even though there was no legal basis for them to ask me to leave that public park.  You must be asking yourself why did they feel the need to do this?  Surely the woman must have done something.  Now I don't want to get all "conspiracy theory" on you but, the thoughts of some of my fellow occupiers was that they were trying to incite violence by attacking "the knitter" (my handle in the park).  They have been filming us as well and I'm sure they want the same kind of evidence that we have against them.  They didn't get it last night.  They did however get my knitting which was not returned to me.  I never intended on becoming an icon of the movement but I guess that is what happens when you show up peacefully knitting things everyday that you give away to people.

What a lovely ride.....

....I had in an ambulance this afternoon.  I went to the appointment downtown to be evaluated for disability and had a pretty good melt down.  All I have wanted, since that first appointment in January, was for someone to listen to me.  NO!  To HEAR me.  Well, the doctor heard me loud and clear today.  I just couldn't handle anymore.  I have talked to countless people on the phone and in offices until I was blue in the face.  I had let that infected tooth go for so long and I stopped talking my bp and sugar meds.  What more do you want me to do so you see I don't want to be here like this anymore???  Ya wanna see blood?  Ya wanna see broken bones?  What is the difference??  I am a woman brought up in the subservient sixties.  The one the doctor pats on the head when you get stitches and calls you a brave little girl for not crying.  Well now I am crying and crying hard so why did it take more than six months (here in NYC, a lot longer if you count MI too) to get some help when I did finally ask.  I know it is almost 5pm and your lovely wifey probably has dinner waiting, or reservations and you have a timetable, but it is really disrespectful to talk to so fast and keep interrupting me when I am trying to tell you why I am here in your locked up psych ward.  The cloud of dust you left as you handed me off was visible.  Way to make someone feel good. 

When you see...

...a doctor, aren't you supposed to feel better when you leave than when you got there.  I saw the "psychiatrist" on Tuesday and you would think that as I left the office, I would finally have some hope of getting the help I have been seeking for over 6 weeks.  Instead, once again, I felt the sting of humiliation and despair.  "you won't get the emergency assistance and you will be homeless, you better face up to that, and I really don't think you qualify for disability either"  My interpretation...  Why don't you get off your fat lazy ass and get a job you loser.  Oh yeah, and no meds either.  Just go home and cry some more, who cares.  I don't ask for help until I really need it and then to not get it is just......................

When you get a letter.....

that tells you to go to 125th street because your case has been moved there, that is where you go.  The letter does not state that only your case for food stamps is there and for anything else you need to go to 14th street.  The receptionist points out to you on the letter, "oh, you see this letter F up in the corner, that means food stamps"  And..... you expect me to know what your code letters mean in the corner of the correspondence.  So I left the house at 7am and got home at 3:30pm.  Needless to say, my back was screaming in pain and I am out of ibuprofen.  The good part about all the pain is that I should be getting emergency funds to pay my back rent and thus, avoid getting evicted.  Yay!  I have three appointments to go to next week, I hope they give me some good drugs at the doctors appt on Tues to get me through court on Weds and HRA on Thurs.  I'm going to need all the help I can get.

On one hand...

... it was a good thing to go to the appointment.  I was evaluated and found disturbed enough to warrant 2 more appointments.  One for introduction to a group therapy leader and the other one for the actual psychiatrist, the one with the drugs.  On the other hand, I was reminded of how far I have fallen into the pit.  I'm thinking now would not be a good time to re-read "the Bell Jar".

Three and a half...

...days and counting.  I didn't think it would be this hard to wait just 2 weeks.  I never should have let it get this bad.  I don't know how long it will take to make it right.  I don't know if I want to go back or move forward.  I know I was once happy but they say you "can't go home again".  To move forward into the unknown does not mean happiness either.  What the hell am I supposed to do then?  I tried, I really did.  Then why did I fail, time after time?  Everyone says, it's all out there, just grab it.  Who greased the pig so I couldn't hang on???

Half way there..

to my appointment.  I think it may rain, sinus headache

And the phone.....

finally rings.  I have an appointment for May 31st.  Well that is better than August isn't it?  I guess I just have to hold out for 2 weeks.  I can do that standing on my head, or lying in bed which is what I have been doing for the last 2 weeks anyway.  It takes a lot longer than that for any passive suicidalism to take effect so I hope y'all will stop worrying about me at least for now.  I do appreciate my fam and friends who have shown concern even if I don't answer back when you post.  I don't have internet everyday so I tend to procrastinate responses in favor of virtual farms that need my attention, so goes my disease.

Seriously?!?!

Round 3.  Called the last number back and was told that it usually takes 2-3 business days to get the call back I was waiting for.  Seriously?!?!  If I had a fever would it take 3 months to get an appointment?  If I had a broken arm would I have to wait 3 days for the scheduler to call me back?  Why is mental health taking such a back seat.  I am still in sick, I am still hurting.  I am not trying to get an appointment to get my teeth cleaned.  I am trying not to die.  Seriously

Really?

I went to the doctors nearly 2 weeks ago hoping to get some help for my depression.  My PCP referred me to the pysch at the clinic, went to get an appointment and they said not until August.  Really?  So I called the insurance provider and asked for a list of docs I could call to get seen sooner.  First number, machine.  Really?  Second number, not an outpatient clinic.  Really?  Third number, left message on machine, never called me back.  Really?  This makes me even more depressed and I quit trying.  Got the book of providers in the mail so today I started making calls again.  Called the third number again, left message, no call back.  Really?  Called another number that I found in the book, machine.  Really?  and again, same, and again, same, and again, same.  Really?  All these mental health professionals never answer the phone??  during regular business hours?  Really?  I finally get through on the fifth call to a real person who says she will have someone call me back.  STILL WAITING!!

I just ran out of....

...tries.  Yes I think you can run out of tries.  It seems to me that there is a finite number of things you can do in a lifetime and I used up my tries.  I realized  this when I found that I couldn't try anymore so I must have used them all up.

It's been a while...

...since I posted anything.  I have not been having such a great time lately.  I finally got some medical coverage so I went to the doctor and got a referral for a mental health specialist.  When I tried to make the appointment they said the next available slot was in August.  If you are diagnosed with severe depression how can they say to you, wait for over three months to get some help.  I already feel like no one gives a shit so I can include a whole new crop of people in that group.  I know they don't understand what an effort it took for me to even pick up the phone to make the appointment, they don't know me.  Everything takes effort.  Going to the pantry, taking out the garbage, waking up, writing.  I'm tired.  I don't know how much I have left in me to try anymore. 

My take on things

I know some of you didn't like the meme I posted last week. You made it very clear with the hateful and condescending things you posted in the comments causing me to moderate my comments for the first time ever. I made my point so I took it down. Some of it was so bad that the website asked me if I wanted to report it as abuse. I did not.

If you don't understand why I made it in the first place then you haven't been paying attention. I have had it with the hateful things I have seen on Facebook in the last few months and it was my way of expressing my feelings. The comments directed toward me have made me feel that, in your eyes, I have lived out my usefulness and I should just shut up and die. That may have not been the words you used but it is how I was made to feel. These things did not come from some random people, it was from my own family members. My comments, on Facebook, were not hateful. They were stated in a questioning manner and also in an informative manner.

This is not an apology, it is an explanation. I was extremely depressed when I came back to NY and I had found something to bring me out of it. That something was Occupy Wall Street. I found something that woke up my passions and gave me something to do everyday. I had not been able to find a job and that only added to the depression. The response to this was to insult me outright in the public forum of FB. No one had my back and no one questioned the abuse in any way except offline. Some even agreed with it. This only reinforced the abuse to me. I expressed myself OFF Facebook in my own blog and then got crap for that too.

If you don't like the way I express myself in my own blog, you don't have to read it. If you want to help, maybe you could buy something from me so I can try to pay some bills. I am working on getting better but it takes time.

I'm thinking about turning in my membership card

I'm tired.

How much is too much?

Or maybe I should say how much is enough?

I have done research. I have been on the front lines. I have talked to people. I do not go blindly into anything (except maybe love).

How can you doubt my good intentions especially when I have our children and grandchildren as a motivation for changing what is wrong with this country.

So I guess what I am asking is if I should just give up and save myself the aggravation of hitting my head against the brick wall that is your blindness. There are facts that are indisputable. Just because it hasn't happened to you yet doesn't mean it can't.

People are being kicked out of their homes. People have lost their jobs and pensions and life savings. People who have worked hard all their lives now work hard just to stay alive.

Maybe you could put some effort into basic fact checking before you go on the attack next time.

That is my perspective

Depression, what is it?

As defined by the US Library of Medicine...

"Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods."

"True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer."

Doctors can be quick to prescribe and that can be a problem. I don't think some of the people in my life understand the difference between those 2 definitions above. If you did you would not blame me so much.

That is all I am going to say

and now I am going to say this...brain cloudy, eyes red, nose stuffy, why do I let people get to me

Food Glorious Food

Sample of what I got this week at the food bank around the corner at St. Clements church. Not to shabby. Also got some potatoes, bag of day old bread, greens and some canned pineapple juice. Boy oh boy I'll eat good this week.

In case you can't tell or you don't know me very well, that was about as sarcastic as I get. Most of the stuff they give you is loaded with carbs and I am not supposed to eat a lot of that. I either can't eat it or I have to take the medication that I don't have a lot of and can't afford to get more of. Food stamps just don't go that far here in the Big Apple where the apples cost big bucks. Oh and they are turning off the electric this week. Yea for reading by candle light.

Family ties

Sometimes it amazes me how 5 people who were raised in the same household could grow up so different. I guess that makes an argument for nurture vs nature or does it? We all came from the same 'nature' and for the most part had the same 'nurture'. So how does one become an atheist, one a bible thumper, one a cult member, one an athlete and one an activist. I would never say that each of these descriptions is an all-inclusive definition of any one of us as we also have things in common. We all have a strong mid-western work ethic, a love of family and a stubborness when defending our beliefs.

I always believed that conversation and communication were an important part of being human. I love a in-depth discussion with my friend Matt talking about movies we have seen. Coming from different generations we almost always see the movie from a completely different perspective. When we watched "Forrest Gump" I felt nostalgic and he saw a history lesson.

Lately, there seems to be a problem keeping the discussions civil within the family unit. Everything deteriorates into insults, CAPS and hurt feelings. I don't like having some members of my family, extended or otherwise, at odds with each other or, even worse, not willing to talk to or see each other. Some of these behaviors have been going on for a while and some have just bubbled to the surface. Is the younger generation being influenced by the older? (nurture) Is it Facebook that is really the enemy? I would like people to remember that gossip is NOT A FACT. If you were not there, don't assume the first story you hear about something is the truth. There are always 2 sides (or maybe even more).

My mother was a great peace maker. I think if she were still here with us that a lot of this would not be happening. I also believe that if she were alive, she would be supportive of my effort at Occupy Wall Street and even participate in the effort to make this country and this world a better place to live in. She was like that. Happy Birthday Mom, a few days early but I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I hope you got the note I sent on the smoke of the palm fire tied to the strings of my heart.

It started as a skirt...

Well, I've been knitting on this thing all day and it no longer looks like a skirt, it is starting to look like a cape. I know what you are thinking, the only difference between a skirt and a cape is where you wear it but it will make a difference in how I list it for sale.

The winter blahs

Another day gone and what did I do?  I made a killer pot of soup, nice and filling for a cold day in February.  I took a nap, well it is Sunday right?  I sorted out a bag of yarn and planned 2 projects and now I am going to settle down with a new book and fall asleep at a decent hour for a change.  Good night all and sleep tight.

Hard at work

Got a new blog for our WG.  Our group member David is really good at this techie stuff, I am not.  Thank you David.

Timing is everything

I got up in front of a lot of people tonight at the GA and stated my proposal (that had a good amount of support or so I thought).  There was a frivolous block and then it didn't pass modified consensus.  Lo and behold, a similar proposal later in the evening did pass.  Well I guess if you try enough times, people will finally listen.

Little Red Riding Hood

Lost in the woods, all alone and cold, scared and wondering why.  Why did I make that wrong turn.  Why did I have to go looking for something that wasn't there.  Why am I even wondering why.

Occupy

And then there was the suggestion that meetings on Saturday be held earlier in the afternoon to accommodate some people who can't be out in the cold and dark of night this time of year.  I have heard lots of people express this concern.  All of a sudden there is an issue with the Jewish occupiers and the sabbath.  Why was this not a issue in the park back in Sept when it didn't get dark until 9:30 or ten at night.  I don't think it is much to ask to have one afternoon meeting in the week.  Ok, maybe Sunday then, oh no, no more meetings on Sunday. 

Eff you spellcheck

It wasn't so much an epiphany but more like giving birth to a nine pound stillborn emotibaby because it took me nine months to come to terms with the situation.  Peaceful acceptance and forgiveness are still on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon but at least the donkeys are packed.   I really didn't know how long it was going to take and I was beginning to wonder if it would ever change.  Life is change.  And I came up with a new word in my head too.  Emotibaby, an emotibaby is a whole bunch of emotions all wrapped up in a bundle.  Do with that what you will.

Ode to the Young

I curse you, 56 year old body
You betray me daily
Piles of pills
Herbs and supplements
Why did I not rebel
When I was young
It would have been so much easier

And so on....

So, late last night in a very cold park after a lot of people left, the GA passed a proposal that freezes all the money in Accounting for WGs...   Really?  Because y'all didn't monitor a couple of posers that stole money from the movement, now we all suffer?  Our working group never abused the system.  We were doing good things and only went to OWS for help when our donations of yarn dried up after the eviction.  We just want to keep working and representing the movement with a peaceful and welcoming face. 

All over again

Well the barricades are down but the tomfoolery continues.  I went down to the park Wednesday  with my cart full of knitting supplies and my chair ready to resume my activities in the park and I was told that there is a rule against chairs in the park.  Are you kidding me?  This has been settled.  The lawyers told me there is no such rule.  Well the "green shirts" persisted and after over an hour of talking and nagging, they finally convinced the police to try to get me to move out of the park.  What a scene.  There were occupiers, press, security and cops all over me. Me who was just sitting there knitting and teaching a young lady how to make an i-cord.  No one was able to show me the "rule" but under threat of being arrested for "trespassing"  I moved my chair a whole 12 feet onto the sidewalk and out of the "public" park.   I found this video on twitter this morning.  I hope there will be clarification on this matter very soon.  When I go downtown with my cart and chair, it takes me about an hour to get there because I have to find the very few subway stations that have elevators and then walk much longer to get to where I want to go.   Once again the lawyers have been called, waiting to see what happens now.

When life bites you in the ass

Life can take some strange turns.  I never thought that I would become an activist at the age of 56.  I found a simple place in the movement, sitting in the park and knitting.  Knitting things for the occupants of the park and talking to people that would pass by.  It was simple and peaceful.  Then all hell broke loose when the "powers that be" (at least for the moment) decided they didn't like what we were doing.  Now my park is gone and things have changed.  Now, for reasons that I don't really understand, people are looking to me to be in charge, to handle things, to lead.  That's not really what I signed up for.  I just want to sit and knit and chat. Simple.

A New Year, here it comes

Sometimes I wish I was still asleep.  Asleep in the sense that now I know what is going on in my country and in the world right now.  It is so disheartening to see what we have become.  Things started out in a way I admired, so peaceful, so welcoming.  Now, through what I suspect are infiltrators, all I see and hear is hate speech and anger.  What happened to the people who were so nice in the park?  What happened to my peaceful and nonviolent movement?  I want it back!