When life bites you in the ass

Life can take some strange turns.  I never thought that I would become an activist at the age of 56.  I found a simple place in the movement, sitting in the park and knitting.  Knitting things for the occupants of the park and talking to people that would pass by.  It was simple and peaceful.  Then all hell broke loose when the "powers that be" (at least for the moment) decided they didn't like what we were doing.  Now my park is gone and things have changed.  Now, for reasons that I don't really understand, people are looking to me to be in charge, to handle things, to lead.  That's not really what I signed up for.  I just want to sit and knit and chat. Simple.

A New Year, here it comes

Sometimes I wish I was still asleep.  Asleep in the sense that now I know what is going on in my country and in the world right now.  It is so disheartening to see what we have become.  Things started out in a way I admired, so peaceful, so welcoming.  Now, through what I suspect are infiltrators, all I see and hear is hate speech and anger.  What happened to the people who were so nice in the park?  What happened to my peaceful and nonviolent movement?  I want it back!

Writing this is one of the hardest thing I have ever done

To whom it may concern,

  I know that I have always put on a happy face and I say that everything is fine.  Guess what, it isn't.  I have been made to feel that when I had money, I was useful and now that I don't, I am not.  I always worked hard, lived frugally and I gave generously.  I have never been one to covet the latest gadgets or fashions.  The fact that I feel like I have been thrown aside may surprise some people but that is why I am writing this post.  I have looked for work but now I have given up on that.  I thought I had a lifemate but now I know that was all a lie as well. I am truly alone.

  Maybe I have too much pride, or maybe I am just to ashamed  to ask for help.  I know that if I don't tell anyone that I need something then I can't expect to get it.  You can't read my mind but you could open your eyes. 

  Here is what I can't put into words on the phone or in person.  I will use the written form to say what I can't say to your face.  I need help.  Plain and simple as that.  I am depressed and I find it hard to get out of bed everyday.  I am crying just trying to type this.  I won't be able to pay my rent next month.  I have trouble eating because 75% of my teeth are gone and I have one tooth that is infected and oozing green puss.  It has been like that for months and I had heard that such an infection can get in your blood stream and kill you. I have been waiting to die.  This seems like a better way than walking in front of a bus.  Since that has not happened I am starting to think maybe I am supposed to be here for a while longer for some reason even though I don't know what that is.

"You should apply for state/federal aid".  Yes, I know and everyday when I get dressed and think about going out and facing that bureaucratic staredown I go back to bed.  I just don't have the energy to try.

"What about your family?"  My family doesn't understand the depth of my depression.  All they saw was the physical mess in the house and not the mental/emotional mess I (I am a good actor and I do most of my crying in private) had become and they threw me out.  When they do reach out to me it feels like a hollow chore they must perform to make themselves feel better or a scolding about how I don't keep in touch.  Somewhere in the back corner of my brain I know they love me.  I just can't feel it right now.

Over the last three months I found something to do that did make me feel a bit better.  Knitting for Occupy Wall Street.  I felt I was making a contribution.  I met some nice people that seemed to like me.  I learned a lot about my country that surprised me and made me want to help change things.  The problem is, that until I get better, I don't think I can do much to help.  A 'cause' can't cure me.

Words hurt.  Actions even more.  I'm glad that you have a ...game/toy/coat/shoes/hairdo/house/job/car/vacation/dinner/dog/high score/opinion... but right now I just don't care.  Seeing all those things posted on facebook and twitter are just a slap in the face to me right now. 

I didn't write this to get attention.  I just needed to say things that were in my head the only way I knew how to get them out.  I suppose it should make me feel better.  I will wait and see.

why bother

I mean really, why bother when you only get a call when someone wants something from you. If they get it, fine, buh bye.  If they don't get it, buh bye too.

Occupy Wall St.

Oh boy has it been hard these last few days down at Liberty Park (aka Zuccoti park).  I have been discouraged but today so many people came up to us and thanked us for being there.  It is good to hear but even better than that was the number of people that are coming back to be there and participate.

Robotic lobotomised stormtroopers are not human

Overheard at the OccupyWallStNYC kitchen last night, while lady is serving yet another spoonful of orange sludge, "would you like some roadkill?"

what a great day

I got down to Occupy Wall St. this morning a little early.  What a beautiful day it was.  It really warms my heart to see the good in humans.  Two mothers and three little girls walked by where I was knitting and the little girls were just facinated by what we were doing.  One of the girls noticed my donation can and asked her mother if she could put some money in it.  All three put a bill through the slot in the lid and they just glowed with pride, it was so sweet. 

There are some really good people in this world and in NYC, they are starting to outnumber the bad.  Yee haw! for humanity!